She took another swallow of coffee."Women are supposed to smoke cigarettes. For a woman to smoke a cigar...Well, that's just wrong. It's undignified and unladylike." Ruth smokes cigars, and she's very ladylike," I said. "No thanks," Janice said, and we walked back to our desks.I went back to Ruth's shop that Saturday, alone, and the next threeSaturdays, always alone. I always invited Janice to come along, offeredto bring her a cigar from the shop, did everything except pay her to comealong to the shop and smoke.The answer was always the same. NoI sat in this big leather easy chair in Ruth's shop with my back to thewindow and smoked as I looked up at Queen Nicotina's mural on the wall.Goddess of smoking, I thought.And then I thought some more.Gods and goddesses were supposed to do miracles right? Like transformpeople into swans or frogs or trees. So if Queen Nicotina were a realgoddess, she could do a miracle for me, if she wanted to.I looked into her smiling brown face.Queen. "Stan seems very nice Emily." Ya. He plays on our team. I've known him a long time." All the kids think you're a girl Emily, and there's no way any of us candeny that, is there?" No, but I'm not a girl, so I don't know why you bought that party dress andthen planned a party, all without telling me! Now, everyone will think I'm agirl! What happens when I disappear in the fall? They'll come here andexpect to find me! How long will it take everyone to figure out that I'mEmily?" But you are Emily! You and Beth played dress up all the time, so I don'tsee what the problem is here!" I never went anywhere! I stayed in her room or mine, that's the problem!" Don't take that tone with me! Maybe you're right. I should have told youabout the party I suppose, but it was going to be a surprise party, and Ithought you would enjoy it!" You might as well put a sign around my neck Mother. "This is a boy in adress," then everyone would find out and I could kill myself and end this!" Not one person has.
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